Style Invitational Week 1080: The dactyls and the terror The eviction of invertebrates from the National Zoo: the subject of Gene Weingarten’s tragically bad poem, the example for Week 1080. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers July 10 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of our double-dactyl contest from Week 1076.) New contest for Week 1080: McGonagall with the wind /To the Zoo, on a Cowardly, Profit-Driven Decision/ *Alas, the zoo is closing the exhibit of invertebrates (Little animals that live on plankton and frankfurter bits). Now where can we go to see coral and octopuses? Fie on thee, zookeepers. You are spineless wusses.* — Gene Weingarten, inspired by the “poetry” of W.T. McGonagall The Empress was recently alerted to the oeuvre — emphasis on the /oeuuuu/ — of William Topaz McGonagall, a 19th-century Scotsman whose mawkish, clumsy odes on various tragic subjects prompted audiences to throw rotten fish at him, and today earns him such superlatives as “writer of the worst poetry in the English language,” in the words of a Web site devoted to his life and, uh, creations (see bit.ly/mcgonagall ). Such as this stanza from “The Execution of James Graham, Marquis of Montrose”: /After partaking of a hearty breakfast, he commenced his toilet, Which, in his greatest trouble, he seldom did forget. And while in the act of combing his hair, He was visited by the Clerk Register, who made him stare. / Not surprisingly, such wordcraft inspired Washington Post Doggerel Laureate Gene Weingarten to pen the tragic ode above, on the occasion of the closing of the National Zoo’s Invertebrate House. And inspired us to ask you to out-McGonagall McGonagall: *This week: Memorialize a modern “tragedy” in a poem burdened with hilariously overwrought verse; lame, forced rhymes; and painfully uneven meter. *While the work of the real McG typically drones on for a dozen verses, we think you can get the badness across in *one verse of no more than eight lines.* Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in keeping with the quality of the verse that will earn it, a miniature key fob of an itty-bitty rubber gorilla: You squeeze it and a little brown bubble of “poop” emerges from the mini-butt; let it relax and the poop-bubble returns inside the ape. A National Zoo souvenir donated by Loser Andrea Kelly. The world’s easiest-to-clean-up gorilla poop — just unsqueeze and it goes back inside the gorilla. This little key fob is second prize in Week 1080 of the Invitational. (Pat Myers) *Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 21; results published Aug. 10 (online Aug. 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include “Week 1080.” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline for the “next week’s contest” line is by Jeff Contompasis; “Six-Hooters” is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ *The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . SIX-HOOTERS: WEEK 1076’s WINNING DOUBLE DACTYLS: The double dactyl, a verse form invented just a few decades ago, has all sorts of rules : It has to be eight short lines; one of the lines has to be a six-syllable word; one has to include someone’s name; and most important, it has to be in dactylic (DUM-da-da) meter. As in today’s inking entries, the best of a stampede of a thousand or so galloping submissions. The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: Higgledy piggledy, *Ken Cuccinelli,* the Gubernatorial Aspirant found Preoccupation with Transvaginalia Wasn’t, as strategies Go, ultra sound. (Jeremy Horowitz, Washington, a First Offender) 2nd place /and the“Manneken Pis” snow dome from Brussels:/ Abraca dabraca, Poor *Lois Lerner *has Lost all her e-mails — oh, Where could they be? Why does the IRS Incomprehensibly Never lose track of what’s Owed them from me? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place Higgledy piggledy, *Philippa Middleton * (”Pippa,” Kate’s sister): it’s Clear to deduce How you upstaged royal Connubiality: She had the train, but you Had the caboose. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 4th place Hairily scarily *Donald the Trump *thinks we Don’t get enough of a View of his fame. On all his buildings is Egocentricity. Vandals should tear down the “T” from his name. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) LOSERY BLUESERY: HONORABLE MENTIONS Honkoway Broncoway *Orenthal Simpson,* who Bungled a burglary, Wound up in jail. There, from inside of his Impenitentiary, Sits right on top of the Real killer’s tail. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /Upcoming Anniversaries/ Crashity splashity, *Edward M. Kennedy * Drove off a bridge span in Mid-’69. (Armstrong and Aldrin were Coincidentally Manning the Eagle and Landed just fine). (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Dandily, scandally *Lerner’s *computer is Suddenly missing some E-mails, Boo-hoo! Ryan has dared to say “Impossibility!” Next year will Ryan get Audited, too? (Claire Keeler, Manassas, Va., a First Offender) Votery dotery *Eric I. Cantor* was Beaten by Tea Party Favorite Brat, Proving that primaries Representational Often exclude from the Ring the wrong hat. (Sam Gwynn, Beaumont, Tex., a First Offender) Fiddledy, Diddledy, *Cantor* said smugly, “Oh, he’s just a nothing. I’ll Trounce him — no fears.” Then oh so startlingly, incomprehensibly, Folks on his home grounds had Other idears. (Bill Willcox, Washington, whose only other previous Invite ink was a poem in Week 393, 2001) Paleo, naileo *Ogg the Neanderthal * Mated with humans, our DNA states. Given the evident Heterospeciety, Stone Agers must have been Hard up for dates. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Nearical spherical *Buckminster Fuller,* he Never had need for a Brush or a comb. Egg-headed wizard who Rectangle-phobically Touted to all that there’s No place like dome. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Hiltony wiltony, Shooting the president, *John Hinckley Jr.* thought, “Jodie will beam!” Warped and deluded, the Heterosexual Gunman had missed she was Not on his team. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) Ruefully; truefully? *Eleanor Roosevelt,* Asked by her spouse, when their Coupling turned sham, To be discreet in her “Extracurriculars”: “Franklin, my dear, I just Don’t give a damn.” (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Jerkily, twerkily, Hannah Montana, her Old alter ego, must Be all aghast: *Miley, *who’s older now, Nymphomaniacally Gyrates and strips off this Part of her past. (David Franks, Greenland, Ark.) Miracle-pyrical, *Jesus of Nazareth* Feeding five thousand: two Fish and some bread. “Such a proceeding is Uneconomical.” Bakers and fishermen Hastily said. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) Slimmery-flimmery, *Mehmet C. Oz,* MD, Flogs coffee extract as Fat-burning fuel, Senators recommend, Hyper-emphatically, That he be labeled a Great Weight Loss Tool. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Hoitily-toitily, *Benedict Cumberbatch * (Cherished by fans as an Arrogant sleuth) Mines the attractions of Sociopathically Keeping his coolness while Ditching his couth. (Susan McLean, Iowa City, Iowa, a First Offender) Jumpity bumpity, *George Herbert Walker Bush* Strapped on a parachute, Took a big leap; Nobody told him most Nonagenarians Celebrate 90 by Falling asleep. (Beverley Sharp) Iggity wiggity, *Pallas Athena,* the Goddess of wisdom, and Also the arts, Shows up in sculpture with Impeccability. (Not so with Venus, who’s Missing some parts.) (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Rahmical cahmical *Mayor Emanuel,* Running Chicago, does Not like disputes. Talks to his enemies Dactylologically, Flashing his famous four- Finger salutes. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Hippity hoppity, *Nouri al-Maliki* Heads up a country that’s Ready to crack. Islamists carving up Mesopotamia. Nouri is stuck in a Hard place, Iraq. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Haqeri ’Raqeri *Nouri al-Maliki * Baghdadi chieftain who Said, “I’m the man.” Lost in a battle that’s Hyper-sectarian, We’ll ask,”Where is he?” and He’ll say: “I-ran.” (Mark Raffman) Monstery bonstery *Bolaji Badejo,* Creature in “Alien,” Scared us a lot; Who’d want to mess with that Extraterrestrial? Which thought should Ripley’s be? Leave it, or not? (Brendan Beary) Higgelton piggelton Pastor *Jim Jones* was an Egomaniacal, Sick puppeteer. Mass suicide, though, is No laughing matter. So Don’t get your hopes up — there’s No punch line here. (Niels Hoven, San Francisco) Humpery bumpery *Kim West/Kardashian* First got attention for Exploits in bed Still her big ass brings her Marketability (No, not her tuchus! The one that she wed). (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) Fly-mama, my-mama, *Your Mama’s* uglier Than a baboon or a Dirty dead rat, Plus she resembles an Even-toed ungulate (Artiodactyla). Also, she’s fat. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Higgledy piggledy, *Andriy Deshchytsia,* Pol from Ukraine, isn’t One to stand mute; Calls Putin “d---head,” and Undiplomatically, We laugh along and say, “Odessa hoot.” (Brendan Beary) *And Last:* Pattily-scattily, *Empress *of Washington (Like Queen Victoria) Wasn’t amused. Spurning my humor, she Unjustifiably Binned all my entries — why Wasn’t I choosed? (Brian Allgar, Paris) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for questions that have rhyming answers. Seebit.ly/invitewk1079. * Next week’s results: *Time Marches Swiftly,* or *Adverbal Abuse, * our contest for “Tom Swifty” jokes. See bit.ly/invite1077.